A little about me. I have been *not myself* for a long while. In fact, I lost a lot of confidence in myself. I was sure that anything positive or outstanding I did was because I was forced to in some way. Was I always falsely motivated? I was smart, but I didn't care. I only started excelling at school to hopefully make my father want to be...my father. And also, if he didn't want to be my dad-I would become a magnificent daughter who would shun him in his old age and hopefully send him to his grave regretting and miserable. Yep, I was that screwed up.
I got into the military for pride, patriotism, and to lower the amount of mouths to feed at home. I ran myself to death because my asshole ex belittled women saying, "The strongest women in the military were equal to the weakest man." So I busted ass at PT to prove him wrong. I was one of the top airmen, only because I hated being told what to do by people I thought were more ignorant than me. I know there are a lot of good reasons why I excelled, but I used my negative energy as fuel everything I did.
But now I am starting to find my fire again...one my own. It is actually frightening. I am nervous of failing myself, but nervous of succeeding as well. But I am very competitive, and a big part of me refuses to lose to *Suckie BonBon* So tomorrow...She's going down.
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